2 Reviews/One Movie

Starring Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eric Johnson, Eloise Mumford, Rita Ora, Luke Grimes, Marcia Gay Harden, Bruce Altman
Directed by James Foley
2017 / 105 Minutes / Universal Pictures

First Review by Brent


Thank god the end has come!

The painfully awful Fifty Shades trilogy is finally over! Films so bad it’s shocking that someone actually wrote this. There’s really not much more I can say here that I haven’t already slammed about the previous films. The shocking this is this mess of a movie is actually the most entertaining of the bunch. I didn’t expect that. When I say entertaining though I mean the unintentional laughing you’ll be doing while watching this actually makes you enjoy it more and helps get you through it.

This time the movie begins with the wedding of Anastasia and Christian in a long winded opening credit montage that leads into another long honeymoon montage. They begin their married lives together, but continue to be threatened by evil barely ever seen Jack Hyde, with a minimal wtf storyline. That’s pretty much it. It’s mind blowing that this was a book that people paid for and read.

No surprise here… the acting is bad again, especially Jamie Dornan who clearly hates his life working on these. I don’t believe he’s a bad actor, you can see it in his eyes that he hates this material and is doing this because he’s trapped in a contract… until now! You are free Jamie!!! GO!!! Dakota, well she’s just there. She’s an emotionalist character so again she has nothing to work with here. I blame the pages and directing for all of this.

There’s actually a tiny bit of plot here (even if you roll your eyes through most of it). There was a hint of entertainment that the previous films lacked. Also, the movie made me laugh my ass off from there very beginning when Anastasia was surprised that her new husband owned his own private jet… that’s hilarious! I think this one was less painful to sit through because I’m now numb to how bad these movies are that I’ve learned to just accept it and go with it. There is something bittersweet about this stupid story and absurd characters that after watching this I might miss. The montage at the end to “Love Me Like You Do” we see clips from all the films and for a split second (a very short split second) I found myself curious about where the rest of there lives will lead… BUT do not get me wrong I don’t ever want to see it!!! I’m done with these movies thank you very much.

We can all now get on with our lives and hope that this is it and these two can live happily ever after without sharing anymore of their story. Goodbye Fifty Shades, don’t let the door hit… you get it.

Also… as you can see every still I found for this movie looks the same. I think that sums this all up.

Grade D+

Second Review by Elise


I am a feminist. I am so woke often times I worry my eyelids will atrophy. I SHOULD NOT LIKE THESE 50 SHADES MOVIES BECAUSE THEY ARE SO PROBLEMATIC AND YET I CANNOT HELP MYSELF. There’s something about a poorly written, poorly acted, poorly eroticized movie that just gets me hot under the collar! These are so bad they’re great. These are like The Room with better production value. I was forced to watch all three 50 Shades “movies” in the span of a week and I can honestly say I’m grateful for the experience.

Fifty Shades Freed is by far the best entry in this trilogy, mainly because it actually has a plot, whereas the other two films do not. You know when you were a kid and you played with Barbies and you just smashed together the areas where their genitals should be and pretended they were in love with no actual substance or conversations had between the dolls about their wants and desires because you were, like, 8 years old? That is what Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker are like.

This will not be a traditional review, I’ll leave that up to Brent, but instead a series of questions I have that undoubtedly have no answer. Much like, “Are we alone in the universe?” or “Does God exist?”

I don’t understand why it’s called 50 Shades Freed. Who’s free? The previous two films establish that Christian Grey was abandoned as a child, his mother was an addict…crack, and since then he’s sought out women who look like her to fuck and sexually abuse. That is some Ted Bundy shit. Does he think he’ll be free from those urges now that he and Anastasia get married? If Ted Bundy was any example, getting married DID NOT satiate his urge to kill.

I also don’t understand why these were released in theatres when there are perfectly good Hallmark and Lifetime channels. They even have the same look and feel because it’s a ‘woman in peril’ story shot in Vancouver! The scripts (and probably the books) feel like they were written by someone who not only has never participated in BDSM activities but has also never had sex with another human being for reasons other than procreation.

Why these actors? Jamie Dornan is fighting off that Irish accent at every line. It’s also painfully obvious that he doesn’t want to be here. Like, dude… you’re probably making serious money for these turds, just keep your shit together! Dakota Johnson is SO FUCKING BORING but I do appreciate that she’s kept her real teeth. Can you IMAGINE if Christian Grey was played by someone else, like Tom Hardy? Or my personal crush Josh Hartnett? is it getting hot in here?

Are people in Seattle annoyed that the movie takes place in Seattle when it was very clearly, obviously, filmed in Vancouver? Having the characters repeat the word Seattle over and over doesn’t make it true. Also, since this is set in Seattle, does that mean it’s in the same universe as Grey’s Anatomy?? Christian and Meredith could be related! As if she needs another half-sibling, am I right?

Where are the orgasms?

And my final question… What are you waiting for??? Love me like you do… love me, love me like you do…

Grade C+

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